Communication
Here is an excerpt from
The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality,
2004 paperback edition, by Shere Hite;
the questions that provoked these responses and discussion were on
questionnaires distributed in the early 1970s.
The numbers of the quotes are added.
[pages 269–74]
“Are your partners well informed?
Are they sensitive to the stimulation you want?”
Answers to this question indicated that in general
only regular partners came anywhere near being well informed—
and that women often felt that
their needs for clitoral stimulation were unusual, evidenced by statements like,
“Not all women are the same,” or “Some women are different,”
or “I usually have to explain how stimulation works for me,
that I don’t come during intercourse.”
1.
“Men are uninformed.
They must all read the same book.
Of course, passivity in women contributes to this miseducation.”
2.
“My husband is now well informed because
I explained exactly what I like to have done to me.”
3.
“Most men are not exactly uninformed;
they seem to know about all the right places of a woman’s body,
but too often most of them seem to just not be tuned into Woman.”
4.
“There are many myths about what men and women want and enjoy.
Great honesty is necessary.”
5.
“My male partners seemed to be well misinformed about female sexuality.”
6.
“Men feel we’re rarely capable of orgasm.”
7.
“Nice but dumb men are unaware that
orgasm in women is not a chance occurrence beyond their control!”
8.
“The only partner I’ve ever had who was ‘sensitive’ is my husband
and it’s taken years for us to be honest about our sexual desires.
I’m still embarrassed if I have to vocally say what I want.”
9.
“Men have been brainwashed to think they’re the sexual experts,
and furthermore, that whatever feels good to them
is what feels good and ‘fulfills’ us also.
Most men I have first slept with seemed to have the attitude,
‘Here, dear, let me show you how.’
Of all the presumption!”
10.
“They are uninformed and they don’t seem to want
the information about the clitoris,
as people once refused to believe the earth went around the sun.
And women are still being dishonest about telling them,
usually as a way of holding the man.”
11.
“They are uninformed but I teach them!
Sometimes this is thrown up in my face as part of being
a ‘demanding female.’ ”
12.
“My husband isn’t fully informed,
but he’s eagerly reading these answers,
and I shall try to be more explicit at appropriate times from now on.”
13.
“Most of my partners never gave a thought to what pleased me
and totally ignored anything I said.
They invariably knew what was best for me.
I tried a few times to ask for what helped me but was ignored or ridiculed.”
14.
“I don’t like men who fancy themselves as sex therapists
and try to tell you what should feel good.
But the male ego is a pretty tricky thing—
you have to go to bed with a guy at least three times
before you begin to tell him how to do it.”
15.
“When we first got married,
my husband would just stick his penis in and move it in and out—
and he had been married before!”
16.
“They are uninformed in any way specific enough to be useful.
I feel as though I should have a physiology training course with each new lover.
I asked one man if he had ever seen a woman’s genitals,
and he said, no it has always been in the dark….”
17.
“They’ve read those awful manuals, and take a very mechanical approach.
They also don’t understand their own sexuality very well.”
18.
“What should one do?
Post a manual over one’s bed?”
19.
“It was like they were foreigners.
Often they cared but were ignorant.”
20.
“I’ve never met a man who knew how to stimulate me very well
until after I told or showed him what to do.
Are all men this insensitive to what turns women on?
I know what turns men on and have known since I was fifteen.”
[I want to interject a point here.
While I am certainly no expert on all this,
as far as I know there really isn’t a whole lot of variation
in what stimulates men to orgasm.
On the other hand, from reading Ms. Hite’s book,
there are an extraordinarily large number of ways
that women prefer to be stimulated to orgasm—see, e.g., 27 below.
So, to consider the question just asked,
are there any one or two things that “turn women on”?
Not according to this book.
So how can men know what any one woman wants, without her telling him?
And if this book is accurate,
that may be considerably more complex than
the rather simple stimulations that men require for orgasm.
Furthermore,
that stimulation most often requires no conscious actions of the woman.
I understand and agree that that means a lack of symmetry in the situation,
but that is a fact of biology,
not something imposed by an inconsiderate patriarchy.]
21.
“My lover, who was an obstetrician, was not well informed.”
22.
“Staggeringly uninformed.
The more confident they are of their sexual prowess
and the effectiveness of their techniques,
the more ignorant they seem to be of the facts and realities.”
23.
I, for one, have told very few people what I am telling you here.
Not good!”
24.
“Most of the men I’ve encountered lately
seem real concerned about bringing me to orgasm
and always try to manually stimulate me after they’ve come.
They seem to feel bad if I don’t come.
I guess today it worries them.”
25.
“He seems fascinated by what I tell him about myself,
as if amazed that I have preferences, etc.”
26.
“Men are especially uninformed about the clitoris
but it’s getting slightly better.
Now they are aware of its importance,
but don’t know where to find it!”
27.
“Very few have had any idea of the number of sensitive places
and variety of on-turning things to do—
most seem to be very limited themselves
in what they like and where they’re sensitive.
It’s unaccountably hard for me (impossible in the throes of passion)
to tell them about it either verbally or any other way—
and even harder to get them to abandon their preconceived and usual methods
even if they think they want to please.”
28.
“Most partners seemed to think that
I would be automatically aroused by two minutes of kissing and touching
and then would be just as ready for intercourse as they were.
I have had to tell them or show them what I wanted.
No one has ever asked me, or known already what would turn me on.
It hasn’t been embarrassing, exactly,
but it’s hard to strike the right one;
showing lovingly what pleases
without suggesting that the man is an ill-informed, selfish animal
(unless, of course, he is!!).”
29.
30.
“Not one man has consistently performed sexually
in a way that would be the best possible and most satisfying for me.
It isn’t that I don’t enjoy intercourse or can’t have orgasms in intercourse—
it’s just a simple fact that in order to enjoy it the most
I need more direct clitoral stimulation.
And it’s not so much work—
just three minutes done well
is enough to help me fly through half a dozen orgasms in intercourse.
It doesn’t require suffocating, straining, or sacrificing his pleasure.
A gentle hand or sensitive tongue can accomplish miracles.
And please, no pressure on the clock.
Any man that makes it seem like a favor
is going to make the woman feel guilty and pressured,
two things that aren’t conducive to having orgasms.”
31.
“It seems like over the past five years
I have met a lot of premature ejaculators,
and a lot of inconsiderate, selfish men.
They either didn’t know about a clitoris and foreplay,
or they just wanted to get their rocks off and then roll over.
Consequently,
I build up a lot of fears and expectations and anxiety
and learned (I realize now) not to get too turned on.
That way I wouldn’t get too disappointed.
I put blocks up because I figured the man would come right away anyway,
so what’s the use?
Now my current partner is very considerate and very sensitive to my needs,
always asking what feels best, etc.
But I have been with men who,
when I told them what I liked or how to rub my clit,
didn’t pay attention.
I would repeat myself,
but only for so long because it began to sound like nagging.
The biggest thing I think I’ve come up against is
men don’t seem to realize the value of foreplay
and that some women take longer to be ready.
It was not really embarrassing to ask for a certain stimulation,
but I hesitate sometimes, because I don’t want to hurt their feelings etc.
I have begun to look out for myself more lately, though, and risked.”
32.
“No,
most of my partners were not well informed about my body and sexual desires—
except my husband.
It was always difficult for me to ask for something,
or correct or instruct.
And often, after summoning the courage to instruct,
I would notice that my partner would ‘forget’ the instructions the next time.
Few of my partners ever tried to find out what I liked.”
33.
“My husband isn’t well informed....
I am a little embarrassed to tell him what makes me feel good
but, strangely enough, I’m not embarrassed with my lover.
I suppose that’s because my lover and I
have a very honest, open relationship which depends a lot on sex.
He has only been with four women besides me,
but seems surprisingly well informed with what pleases women.
He is a very quick learner, and takes criticism very well.
My husband, on the other hand, can’t handle criticism at all,
which is partly why I never tell him.”
34.
“I did the Masters and Johnson bit—two weeks in St. Louis.
I learned that good sex followed almost effortlessly after good communication.
Communication is what they tried to teach my husband and me.
I bought it, he didn’t.
It takes two to talk, tango, or screw.”
35.
“The unique men are those who have outgrown the need for techniques, etc.,
and are comfortable offering themselves.
The important thing is just to listen to yourself and to the other person.”
[Back to Ms. Hite:]
It is not news that masturbation for women is done clitorally.
Why has this—
our own silent testimony to what is efficient stimulation for our bodies—
been so ignored in favor of the way men think we should have orgasms?
All too many men still seem to believe,
in a rather naïve and egocentric way,
that what feels good to them is automatically what feels good to women.
36.
“Most men didn’t seem to be aware that what brought them to climax
wasn’t what brought me to climax.
That about sums it up.”
37.
“Most men seem to have a minimal knowledge about
female desires and anatomy.
My women partners have shown an intuitive knowledge of my needs,
so I exclude them in this discussion.
Most male partners have a general idea about how to please a woman,
but each woman is so different that
initially a man may not know how to please me,
as different from any other woman he’s fucked.
I may have to let him know that the clitoral stimulation he is giving me
is too direct and too sensitive,
or I may have to adjust my body to his
so that I get the right stimulation in intercourse that I need.
Initially he cannot know how I like to be fucked.
If I’m feeling really loose and nervy and horny I may just say,
‘heeey, I really love it this way,’
and show him what I mean by fucking him in a certain way,
maybe really deep or complete thrusts
or real grindy and a lot of pelvic and pubic bone pressure.
Most men do not know that
a woman may need clitoral from intercourse to get off.
[Original emphasis.]
I can’t imagine what women who do not come easily from intercourse, as I do,
and who can’t bring themselves to communicate their needs, do—
they must want to climb walls.
It is very easy to communicate my desires in intercourse—
men seem to have a bit of intuition about this—
but very difficult to communicate needs and desires
in clitoral stimulation, cunnilingus, etc.
Unless a man volunteers to do these things (which most seldom do),
I would never even bring it up.
I have begun to wonder why this is.
It seems that once a man discovers how ‘nicely’ I come from intercourse,
he decides that this is all I want or need.
I do love intercourse and I usually moan and yell as I come,
so the man knows I’ve come and assumes my satisfaction, I guess.
If I was like some other women who don’t often come in intercourse
then maybe he’d try to please me in other ways,
like clitoral stimulation and cunnilingus, which I really miss.
There seems to be a tacit assumption on the part of most men I’ve fucked
that fucking is the best way to come,
and if you can come that way
there’s no use bothering with any of that other stuff.
It’s an odd assumption, though, when you think of it,
cause most men I’ve been with, even though they loved to fuck,
still really dug a good blow job or hand job now and then.
In short, what is a man thinking when we are both horny,
I stimulate him orally to really get him in a mood,
he communicates that he’d like to be blown,
I lovingly make him come,
and then he assumes that sex is over because he has come?
What about me?
Doesn’t he realize that I expect some kind of reciprocation and sexual release?
Apparently not, because this has happened to me so many times.
And I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to communicate this
without making him feel like a real ‘dildo’ (dumb prick)
or making me feel like a demanding bitch.”
The exact questions on the questionnaires
(as stated in the appendices to the book) were:
The Hite Report: A National Study of Female Sexuality,
2004 paperback edition, by Shere Hite;
the questions that provoked these responses and discussion were on
questionnaires distributed in the early 1970s.
The numbers of the quotes are added.
[pages 269–74]
“Are your partners well informed?
Are they sensitive to the stimulation you want?”
Answers to this question indicated that in general
only regular partners came anywhere near being well informed—
and that women often felt that
their needs for clitoral stimulation were unusual, evidenced by statements like,
“Not all women are the same,” or “Some women are different,”
or “I usually have to explain how stimulation works for me,
that I don’t come during intercourse.”
1.
“Men are uninformed.
They must all read the same book.
Of course, passivity in women contributes to this miseducation.”
2.
“My husband is now well informed because
I explained exactly what I like to have done to me.”
3.
“Most men are not exactly uninformed;
they seem to know about all the right places of a woman’s body,
but too often most of them seem to just not be tuned into Woman.”
4.
“There are many myths about what men and women want and enjoy.
Great honesty is necessary.”
5.
“My male partners seemed to be well misinformed about female sexuality.”
6.
“Men feel we’re rarely capable of orgasm.”
7.
“Nice but dumb men are unaware that
orgasm in women is not a chance occurrence beyond their control!”
8.
“The only partner I’ve ever had who was ‘sensitive’ is my husband
and it’s taken years for us to be honest about our sexual desires.
I’m still embarrassed if I have to vocally say what I want.”
9.
“Men have been brainwashed to think they’re the sexual experts,
and furthermore, that whatever feels good to them
is what feels good and ‘fulfills’ us also.
Most men I have first slept with seemed to have the attitude,
‘Here, dear, let me show you how.’
Of all the presumption!”
10.
“They are uninformed and they don’t seem to want
the information about the clitoris,
as people once refused to believe the earth went around the sun.
And women are still being dishonest about telling them,
usually as a way of holding the man.”
11.
“They are uninformed but I teach them!
Sometimes this is thrown up in my face as part of being
a ‘demanding female.’ ”
12.
“My husband isn’t fully informed,
but he’s eagerly reading these answers,
and I shall try to be more explicit at appropriate times from now on.”
13.
“Most of my partners never gave a thought to what pleased me
and totally ignored anything I said.
They invariably knew what was best for me.
I tried a few times to ask for what helped me but was ignored or ridiculed.”
14.
“I don’t like men who fancy themselves as sex therapists
and try to tell you what should feel good.
But the male ego is a pretty tricky thing—
you have to go to bed with a guy at least three times
before you begin to tell him how to do it.”
15.
“When we first got married,
my husband would just stick his penis in and move it in and out—
and he had been married before!”
16.
“They are uninformed in any way specific enough to be useful.
I feel as though I should have a physiology training course with each new lover.
I asked one man if he had ever seen a woman’s genitals,
and he said, no it has always been in the dark….”
17.
“They’ve read those awful manuals, and take a very mechanical approach.
They also don’t understand their own sexuality very well.”
18.
“What should one do?
Post a manual over one’s bed?”
19.
“It was like they were foreigners.
Often they cared but were ignorant.”
20.
“I’ve never met a man who knew how to stimulate me very well
until after I told or showed him what to do.
Are all men this insensitive to what turns women on?
I know what turns men on and have known since I was fifteen.”
[I want to interject a point here.
While I am certainly no expert on all this,
as far as I know there really isn’t a whole lot of variation
in what stimulates men to orgasm.
On the other hand, from reading Ms. Hite’s book,
there are an extraordinarily large number of ways
that women prefer to be stimulated to orgasm—see, e.g., 27 below.
So, to consider the question just asked,
are there any one or two things that “turn women on”?
Not according to this book.
So how can men know what any one woman wants, without her telling him?
And if this book is accurate,
that may be considerably more complex than
the rather simple stimulations that men require for orgasm.
Furthermore,
that stimulation most often requires no conscious actions of the woman.
I understand and agree that that means a lack of symmetry in the situation,
but that is a fact of biology,
not something imposed by an inconsiderate patriarchy.]
21.
“My lover, who was an obstetrician, was not well informed.”
22.
“Staggeringly uninformed.
The more confident they are of their sexual prowess
and the effectiveness of their techniques,
the more ignorant they seem to be of the facts and realities.”
23.
“We are all uninformed.
We need to discuss sex openly and freely together,
privately and in public,
and show each other with our bodies how we do things—
just as is done in other fields.
I, for one, have told very few people what I am telling you here.
Not good!”
24.
“Most of the men I’ve encountered lately
seem real concerned about bringing me to orgasm
and always try to manually stimulate me after they’ve come.
They seem to feel bad if I don’t come.
I guess today it worries them.”
25.
“He seems fascinated by what I tell him about myself,
as if amazed that I have preferences, etc.”
26.
“Men are especially uninformed about the clitoris
but it’s getting slightly better.
Now they are aware of its importance,
but don’t know where to find it!”
27.
“Very few have had any idea of the number of sensitive places
and variety of on-turning things to do—
most seem to be very limited themselves
in what they like and where they’re sensitive.
It’s unaccountably hard for me (impossible in the throes of passion)
to tell them about it either verbally or any other way—
and even harder to get them to abandon their preconceived and usual methods
even if they think they want to please.”
28.
“Most partners seemed to think that
I would be automatically aroused by two minutes of kissing and touching
and then would be just as ready for intercourse as they were.
I have had to tell them or show them what I wanted.
No one has ever asked me, or known already what would turn me on.
It hasn’t been embarrassing, exactly,
but it’s hard to strike the right one;
showing lovingly what pleases
without suggesting that the man is an ill-informed, selfish animal
(unless, of course, he is!!).”
29.
“Men should ask flat out:
‘What do you want?’”
30.
“Not one man has consistently performed sexually
in a way that would be the best possible and most satisfying for me.
It isn’t that I don’t enjoy intercourse or can’t have orgasms in intercourse—
it’s just a simple fact that in order to enjoy it the most
I need more direct clitoral stimulation.
And it’s not so much work—
just three minutes done well
is enough to help me fly through half a dozen orgasms in intercourse.
It doesn’t require suffocating, straining, or sacrificing his pleasure.
A gentle hand or sensitive tongue can accomplish miracles.
And please, no pressure on the clock.
Any man that makes it seem like a favor
is going to make the woman feel guilty and pressured,
two things that aren’t conducive to having orgasms.”
31.
“It seems like over the past five years
I have met a lot of premature ejaculators,
and a lot of inconsiderate, selfish men.
They either didn’t know about a clitoris and foreplay,
or they just wanted to get their rocks off and then roll over.
Consequently,
I build up a lot of fears and expectations and anxiety
and learned (I realize now) not to get too turned on.
That way I wouldn’t get too disappointed.
I put blocks up because I figured the man would come right away anyway,
so what’s the use?
Now my current partner is very considerate and very sensitive to my needs,
always asking what feels best, etc.
But I have been with men who,
when I told them what I liked or how to rub my clit,
didn’t pay attention.
I would repeat myself,
but only for so long because it began to sound like nagging.
The biggest thing I think I’ve come up against is
men don’t seem to realize the value of foreplay
and that some women take longer to be ready.
It was not really embarrassing to ask for a certain stimulation,
but I hesitate sometimes, because I don’t want to hurt their feelings etc.
I have begun to look out for myself more lately, though, and risked.”
32.
“No,
most of my partners were not well informed about my body and sexual desires—
except my husband.
It was always difficult for me to ask for something,
or correct or instruct.
And often, after summoning the courage to instruct,
I would notice that my partner would ‘forget’ the instructions the next time.
Few of my partners ever tried to find out what I liked.”
33.
“My husband isn’t well informed....
I am a little embarrassed to tell him what makes me feel good
but, strangely enough, I’m not embarrassed with my lover.
I suppose that’s because my lover and I
have a very honest, open relationship which depends a lot on sex.
He has only been with four women besides me,
but seems surprisingly well informed with what pleases women.
He is a very quick learner, and takes criticism very well.
My husband, on the other hand, can’t handle criticism at all,
which is partly why I never tell him.”
34.
“I did the Masters and Johnson bit—two weeks in St. Louis.
I learned that good sex followed almost effortlessly after good communication.
Communication is what they tried to teach my husband and me.
I bought it, he didn’t.
It takes two to talk, tango, or screw.”
35.
“The unique men are those who have outgrown the need for techniques, etc.,
and are comfortable offering themselves.
The important thing is just to listen to yourself and to the other person.”
[Back to Ms. Hite:]
It is not news that masturbation for women is done clitorally.
Why has this—
our own silent testimony to what is efficient stimulation for our bodies—
been so ignored in favor of the way men think we should have orgasms?
All too many men still seem to believe,
in a rather naïve and egocentric way,
that what feels good to them is automatically what feels good to women.
36.
“Most men didn’t seem to be aware that what brought them to climax
wasn’t what brought me to climax.
That about sums it up.”
37.
“Most men seem to have a minimal knowledge about
female desires and anatomy.
My women partners have shown an intuitive knowledge of my needs,
so I exclude them in this discussion.
Most male partners have a general idea about how to please a woman,
but each woman is so different that
initially a man may not know how to please me,
as different from any other woman he’s fucked.
I may have to let him know that the clitoral stimulation he is giving me
is too direct and too sensitive,
or I may have to adjust my body to his
so that I get the right stimulation in intercourse that I need.
Initially he cannot know how I like to be fucked.
If I’m feeling really loose and nervy and horny I may just say,
‘heeey, I really love it this way,’
and show him what I mean by fucking him in a certain way,
maybe really deep or complete thrusts
or real grindy and a lot of pelvic and pubic bone pressure.
Most men do not know that
a woman may need clitoral from intercourse to get off.
[Original emphasis.]
I can’t imagine what women who do not come easily from intercourse, as I do,
and who can’t bring themselves to communicate their needs, do—
they must want to climb walls.
It is very easy to communicate my desires in intercourse—
men seem to have a bit of intuition about this—
but very difficult to communicate needs and desires
in clitoral stimulation, cunnilingus, etc.
Unless a man volunteers to do these things (which most seldom do),
I would never even bring it up.
I have begun to wonder why this is.
It seems that once a man discovers how ‘nicely’ I come from intercourse,
he decides that this is all I want or need.
I do love intercourse and I usually moan and yell as I come,
so the man knows I’ve come and assumes my satisfaction, I guess.
If I was like some other women who don’t often come in intercourse
then maybe he’d try to please me in other ways,
like clitoral stimulation and cunnilingus, which I really miss.
There seems to be a tacit assumption on the part of most men I’ve fucked
that fucking is the best way to come,
and if you can come that way
there’s no use bothering with any of that other stuff.
It’s an odd assumption, though, when you think of it,
cause most men I’ve been with, even though they loved to fuck,
still really dug a good blow job or hand job now and then.
In short, what is a man thinking when we are both horny,
I stimulate him orally to really get him in a mood,
he communicates that he’d like to be blown,
I lovingly make him come,
and then he assumes that sex is over because he has come?
What about me?
Doesn’t he realize that I expect some kind of reciprocation and sexual release?
Apparently not, because this has happened to me so many times.
And I’ll be damned if I can figure out how to communicate this
without making him feel like a real ‘dildo’ (dumb prick)
or making me feel like a demanding bitch.”
The Questions on the Questionnaires
The exact questions on the questionnaires
(as stated in the appendices to the book) were:
- Questionnaire I, 1972-09
Question 42.
“Do you think men are uninformed
about your sexual desires and your body?
Do you think women are?” - Questionnaire II, 1973-01
Question 33.
“Do most of your partners seem to be well informed
about your sexual desires and your body?
Are they sensitive to the stimulation you want?
If not, do you ask for it or act yourself to get it?
Is this embarrassing?” - Questionnaire III, 1973-06
Question 36.
“Are most of your partners sensitive to
the stimulation you want?
If not, do you ask for it or act yourself to get it?
Is this embarrassing?” - Questions asked in the 1976 edition of the book,
questions that were “Originally published in March 1974.”
Question 45.
“Is (are) your partner(s) sensitive to
the stimulation you want?
If not, do you ask for it, or stimulate yourself?
Is this embarrassing?” - The question as phrased in the body of the book, on page 269:
“Are your partners well informed?
Are they sensitive to the stimulation you want?”
Labels: communication, sex
posted by KHarbaugh at 12:00
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